The FIVE Stooges???

So we all know there were more than three stooges. Larry, Moe, Curly, and Shemp (or, this is my understanding of the situation). But I think, perhaps, I was born at the wrong time. Or I am one of these gentlemen reincarnated. Seriously, I belong with them...although they were acting, and I am a natural stooge.

That's right folks, the superhero power of the klutziness continues. Yesterday was a fine example of my prowess: first, I hit my my elbow three times on the workout machine. You'd think after the first time I'd learn not to put my elbow there, or at least after the second time, but no...apparently the third time is the charm. Who hits their elbow on a workout machine? Only someone with great powers could manage to beat themselves up while working out. Next, I was talking to a patient in their room at the hospital, and I was leaning against a wardrobe while discussing our afternoon activity. I went to move my head as a means of emphasis for what I was saying, and slammed my head into the corner of the wardrobe. Well done, Ashworth. Way to maintain a profile of professionalism. As if that wasn't enough...five minutes later I was in the playroom discussing my wardrobe calamity with the girls in there, and at the same time I was rummaging in the supply closet for a glue gun. Somewhere along the way, I forgot what I was doing, or went blind, or something, because as I was telling the story about hitting my head on the wardrobe I leaned forward to grab something from a lower shelf and hit my head on the shelf right in front of my face. Now that takes some serious talent, folks...to be able not only to hit your head on something directly in your line of sight, but also to do it while telling the story of how you had done something quite similar just five minutes before. Ah, I am indeed a superhero extraordinaire.

I was laughing at myself the whole way home yesterday, and it got me to thinking. I've come up with another superhero power I might be interested in. I broke away from the traditional options given to us in comic books, and made up my own. For lack of a better term (and I'm open to suggestions for alternate names), I'm calling it bulls**t vision.

Bulls**t vision is similar to x-ray vision. With x-ray vision you can see through walls and people's clothes/skin, etc. With bulls**t vision you can see through people's crap they're feeding you. I picture it as such: while talking to someone, you could activate your bulls**t vision and a little meter would come up at the bottom of your visual field, registering how much that person really believed what they were telling you.

And here's where it would come in handy: dating. Say you're at a bar, and someone approaches you and starts hitting on you. They pay you complements, say nice things, and all around do the right things to make you feel special. Are they saying these things to get into your pants, or do they really mean them? Another instance: when someone breaks up with you...and they tell you how wonderful you are, it's not you it's me....etc. All of these things might be true, but they just might not know it...they might be trying to let you down easy. For anyone who's wondered if their ex was really that upset about the breakup, or if the guy/girl at the bar was really going to call, or really did think you were amazing...bulls**t vision is for you.

It also works in other places: when someone is trying to sell you something, or at work when your boss is making promises, or when trying to figure out who to vote for - who really believes what they're saying in their speeches?

Now, I haven't figured out yet how it works if you're on the phone with someone...not sure if it would work then. Maybe on video phones but not regular phones? Every superhero power has to have a weakness...so maybe that's the weakness of bulls**t vision - you have to be able to see the person for it to work.

Anyway, just wanted to offer up that idea for those of you still picking your superhero power. It's one I would seriously consider, if I hadn't been born with my superhero power of klutziness. And now it's time for breakfast - don't worry, I'll try hard not to burn myself while cooking. =)