Top 10 Reasons Why I Should Be The Next Pope

Yeah, you read the title right. (These are in no particular order, except for the fact that perhaps #1 is really the #1 reason...)

10. I took AP Latin in high school and got an A, as well as a 5 on the exam. At the time, I could sight-read Cicero and other crazy old Latin-speaking coots. So I've got the Latin skillz.

9. I'm not afraid to look silly in the hat.

8. I will institute a policy of British Accent Fridays in the Catholic church...in that every Catholic person will speak in a British accent on Fridays (except those who naturally have a British or similar-sounding accent, who will then participate in Alternative British Accent Fridays, better known as Snarky French Accent Fridays). How much fun will this be?

7. I will let all Catholics give up guilt for Lent.

6. I promise to get a flu shot every year, so there will be no worries about me being in the hospital for weeks on end due to the flu.

5. I'm going to create a Vice-Pope position, so that in case something should happen to me, or if I need a vacation, there's still someone to help keep the church running smoothly.

4. I played Friar Tuck at Walt Disney World several times. I have experience being a member of the clergy, as well as blessing people!

3. I will get the Pope-mobile on "Pimp My Ride."

2. I will offer up a dessert buffet for holy communion instead of those tasteless crackers. The wine will remain, but there will be a wider selection.

1. It's clear to me that God has finally come around and become a Red Sox fan...as evidenced by hell freezing over last year and the Sox finally winning the World Series. I, too, have come around to be a Sox fan recently, and I think God and I can really get along because of this. This is an important issue on which both the Pope and God need to agree, and I'm down with the G-O-D on this one.

Now, some of you who know me might be thinking...But Kristy, you're not Catholic! Or perhaps you're thinking, Kristy, you're a woman, and Catholics don't allow women in the hierarchy of priest-folk! You might even be thinking, Won't this put a kink in your whole "finding someone to make out with for the rest of winter" theory...what with the Pope being celibate and all?

To all of these questions I say, DETAILS! Minor, minor details. The whole not Catholic thing is easily modified by taking a class, doing some sort of oath/ceremony thing in front of a congregation, and eating that tasteless wafer stuff with wine. If I can get over that part, the rest shouldn't be hard either. And once I'm Pope, it'll be a lot easier to make the changes I need to continue my "make out for the rest of winter" plan. Besides, I have a great campaign platform...just look again at my Top 10 - who WOULDN'T want me as Pope?

<insert cheesy-little-kid-ear-to-ear-grin here>