You Down Wit' OCD? Yeah You Know...er....Everybody?

(Alternatively Titled: The Blog Brought to you by Jay. No, Literally. Jay wrote it. Enjoy.)

First off, let me introduce myself as Jay, Kristy’s boyfriend, who she has previously written about in only a few blogs… but I’m sure she raves about me in private. OK, now that we have the proper introduction, here’s my beef .

Remember a few years back, when parents, looking for the easiest excuse as to why their child was a stark mad raving lunatic, who did everything but bark at the moon, decided their child or children (remember genetics) was ADD, ADHD or even HDTV? They took to the airwaves, it was on all the news shows, I’m sure Matt Lauer debated its merits with some real famous jackass – ADD was hip, the IN thing, and we all thought we had it. It became popular culture. It took on a life of its own.

*Why did you leave the stove on? ADD

*Oh my God, I forgot to pay the heating bill - ADD

*That report you needed yesterday boss? Have I told you I’m ADD – Hey, it could be worse, I used to be HD too! I’ll have it to you by…what were we talking about again?

*Why did you forget your child was in the backseat when you went to the bar? ADD

Those were the days, we didn’t need excuses. We only needed ADD. Then people got wise. Society figured out if everyone has ADD, wouldn’t that make ADD the default behavior and only the superior should be identified and worshiped? You know, the ASI – the Attention Superior Intellectuals. People like Tom Cruise…er…I’m sorry he’s ASS (please don’t sue me Tom, I’m soooooo scared of your 5’2” {in heels}, scrawny, buck-oh-five ASS).

Well folks, now we have another malady sweeping across the nation. No, not the bird flu. It’s not SARS. You guessed it, it’s OCD.

Yes, now our friends, co-workers and loved ones - as well as ourselves, can be absolved of all annoying habits and stubborness just by throwing out those three little letters you all know so well. O is for obsessive, C is for compulsive… the last letter, weeellll that’s not so simple. Is it D for disorder?

*Why won’t you move that chair I keep stubbing my toe on? OCD! It has to stay there!

*Why do we have to have a plan all the time? OCD

*Sorry boss about being late, I had to check the iron, then the stove, then the iron then the stove, then the door didn’t close right, so I had to check it again…my OCD just kicked in.

*You can’t sit in that seat. I watch every Red Sox game in that seat. It’s my OCD.

*Listen, I don’t mean to be an ass, but I have OCD – can you clean up your mess NOW, or I’ll just, just, just … {No, I get it, you’ll just keep nagging me.}

Personally, I think D may as well stand for DICK, as in it’s an excuse we use when we want to be a flaming Dick. Saying you (or I) have OCD is just a hellava lot nicer than saying “Hey, I’m an inflexible Dick.”

So people of the world, we must fight this OCD phenomenon at all costs, because we don’t want the default behavior to become OCD. Save it for all the poor souls who really do have it, like those who take an hour-and-a-half just to turn off a light switch. However, Tom Cruise can be OCD because he really is an inflexible Dick.

My whole point is people don’t need to put acronyms behind their behavior. I like to think a little bit more the old fashioned way and use words like accountable, responsible, or, more simply, human. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and we all have to live with them. So let’s go about making ourselves acronym free, unless you really have the paperwork, or scripts, to prove it.

A post brought to you by Debbbbbbbbbbbbb

Last week it was something ridiculous like 8 degrees outside, and I ran into Target to grab a few items for work, and there were bikinis - TONS of bikinis - for sale in the clothing section. Sick, sick, sick.

But that's not the point of this post. I have a funny anecdote for y'all. Ready?

So, the road that runs from my hospital to the highway (or anywhere, really) is one of those 2 lanes per side (so 4 lanes total) roads that really ought to be a highway but instead is actually a local road. Roads like this are common up here, because one road will become the most direct (or the only) way to get from point A to point B, so everyone uses it, but there's no way to widen the road to meet growing traffic because there are crazy amounts of residential homes surrounding it. There's not even a way to build a by-pass without mowing down some homes as you ruin neighborhood upon neighborhood. It's part of the reason Boston traffic sucks so much (the other part being the drivers, but that's actually another post for another time).

In any case, this road is heavily congested at peak "rush-hour" times - both hospital rush hour times (7am, 3pm - this is when most of the hospital staff's shifts begin or end) and regular working stiffs' rush hour times (8/9am, 4/5/6 pm). And because it doesn't merit any status above a local road, it is often difficult to access it from other local roads. I see people all the time, sitting at an intersection with no stoplight, blinker on, looking sad and forlorn. "Won't anyone let me in? I want to play too!" they seem to say with their desperate eyes. It's especially sad at the end of the day, when you know they've worked a full day and just want to get home.

So, for whatever reason, I feel bad for these people and I let them in. Usually one or two during a commute - I operate under the theory of driver karma (in which if you let others into the flow of traffic, others will do the same for you when you need in). It doesn't really alter the time it takes me to get home, and these poor people can get on with their day. To the end of practicing driver karma, I often will leave space at one of these stoplight-less intersections when traffic is backed up and halted. Technically, it's the law. But nobody gets tickets for blocking an intersection unless it's one with a stoplight (or at least, up here they don't).

Last week I was driving home after coming into work WHILST I WAS SICK to facilitate a program I'm a part of (the beauty of being a one-person program is you can set your hours and do your own thing, but the thing that sucks is you can't call someone else to do the stuff you signed up for when you're sick). So I'm exhausted, having worked while sick, and in no mood to deal with your typical "Boston driver." And I'm travelling on this road; this really-should-be-a-highway-but-instead-is-a-clogged-local-road-that-causes-nothing-but-headaches-for-all-who-travel-it; and traffic is, of course, backed up. We're inching along to an actual stoplight (one of the few), and I leave space in front of me in the stopped traffic line for any car that might want to turn onto my road from a street intersecting with my road to the left.

Let me set the stage for you again: traffic is stopped. I have left perhaps one car-length between me and the next car. There is a street that intersects with the road I'm on to the left of me. I have left space for a car from that road to join us in our traffic misery on my road.

Now, this HUGE van comes up behind me, and stops, leaving a reasonable distance between our vehicles. But then said van must have noticed the space in front of me, and begins inching towards me, getting dangerously close to my rear bumper, clearly trying to encourage me to move forward and fill in the gap I've left.

At this moment, a car comes up on the side street, puts on its blinker, and turns into the space in front of me. I feel good about having helped that person get where they need without any hassle. Until the light changes and we start to move.

Apparently the van driver has decided that, by letting in the one solitary car in front of me, I have significantly increased his travel time and he's mad, so he stays right on my bumper.

REALLY?!?!?

Really you're going to sit on my ass for ONE TINY CAR? C'mon, dude. You need anger counseling.

So I decide to have some fun.

(This is where I blow the karma I built up by letting the car into my lane in the first place. But oh, was it worth it!)

We're still not going forward at any sort of rapid pace; in fact I think we were moving at a speed that could be very well classified as "inching." And I'm irritated that this guy won't get off my bumper, so I do what they tell you to do in driving school to get tailgaters off your bumper - I slow down.

Well, OK, I stopped short. (But when you're inching along, stopping short really is the next step down!) =) I stopped short for maybe two seconds, not even long enough to make a car-length gap between me and the car in front of me, and began inching forward again.

To put it nicely, this did not sit well with the driver of the van.

He promptly turned on his brights, honked his horn, and leaned out the window to yell at me. He then cut off someone in the lane next to us so he could get beside me, leaned out his window some more, and yelled at me some more, turning around to face me even after he'd passed me. He's getting mad at me for stopping short (presumably because he could have hit me and it would have been his fault for following too closely) and he's DRIVING FORWARD IN TRAFFIC WHILE LEANING OUT THE WINDOW AND LOOKING BACKWARDS. Yeah, buddy, I'm the one with the problem.

In any case, here's the part brought to you by Debbbbbbbbbbbbbb:

As he's looking at me, all mad and squinchy-faced, I looked back at him, flashed him my friendliest, happiest, most-girl-next-door-thanks-for-waving-at-me SMILE and waved.

Debb once told me she did that to someone who was driving recklessly and cutting people off and then flicked her off, and it brought her great satisfaction.

And I can tell you from first-hand experience, it does indeed bring a great deal of satisfaction. Acting like you're happy to see someone wave at you in traffic and returning the favor is so fun in this situation. I highly recommend it.

I realize that by writing this my mother will probably have a small coronary attack as she imagines all sorts of inner-city road-rage-related gang violence happening to me from doing something like this...but mom, I'm OK. I don't do this all the time, this was a one time thing. Besides, I was in Newton, safest city in America.

And anyway, I can't keep doing things like this or I'll ruin all my good driver karma, and I'll never get to turn onto a major road from a minor road ever again!

=)