Top 10 Reasons Why I Should Be The Next Pope

Yeah, you read the title right. (These are in no particular order, except for the fact that perhaps #1 is really the #1 reason...)

10. I took AP Latin in high school and got an A, as well as a 5 on the exam. At the time, I could sight-read Cicero and other crazy old Latin-speaking coots. So I've got the Latin skillz.

9. I'm not afraid to look silly in the hat.

8. I will institute a policy of British Accent Fridays in the Catholic church...in that every Catholic person will speak in a British accent on Fridays (except those who naturally have a British or similar-sounding accent, who will then participate in Alternative British Accent Fridays, better known as Snarky French Accent Fridays). How much fun will this be?

7. I will let all Catholics give up guilt for Lent.

6. I promise to get a flu shot every year, so there will be no worries about me being in the hospital for weeks on end due to the flu.

5. I'm going to create a Vice-Pope position, so that in case something should happen to me, or if I need a vacation, there's still someone to help keep the church running smoothly.

4. I played Friar Tuck at Walt Disney World several times. I have experience being a member of the clergy, as well as blessing people!

3. I will get the Pope-mobile on "Pimp My Ride."

2. I will offer up a dessert buffet for holy communion instead of those tasteless crackers. The wine will remain, but there will be a wider selection.

1. It's clear to me that God has finally come around and become a Red Sox fan...as evidenced by hell freezing over last year and the Sox finally winning the World Series. I, too, have come around to be a Sox fan recently, and I think God and I can really get along because of this. This is an important issue on which both the Pope and God need to agree, and I'm down with the G-O-D on this one.

Now, some of you who know me might be thinking...But Kristy, you're not Catholic! Or perhaps you're thinking, Kristy, you're a woman, and Catholics don't allow women in the hierarchy of priest-folk! You might even be thinking, Won't this put a kink in your whole "finding someone to make out with for the rest of winter" theory...what with the Pope being celibate and all?

To all of these questions I say, DETAILS! Minor, minor details. The whole not Catholic thing is easily modified by taking a class, doing some sort of oath/ceremony thing in front of a congregation, and eating that tasteless wafer stuff with wine. If I can get over that part, the rest shouldn't be hard either. And once I'm Pope, it'll be a lot easier to make the changes I need to continue my "make out for the rest of winter" plan. Besides, I have a great campaign platform...just look again at my Top 10 - who WOULDN'T want me as Pope?

<insert cheesy-little-kid-ear-to-ear-grin here>

Here's to your health! (In a way you never expected...)

Oh, it's *such* inappropriate timing to post this now, but I'm going to anyway....

Hey folks! It's been a while, no? My deepest apologies, I've been sucked into the black hole that is known as grad school. To be honest, the only reason I'm able to post today is because I got up early to work out and the little workout center in my apartment complex is closed. And so I have decided to follow the adage of, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" and post before getting ready for my internship. Whether or not you find this lemonade 'tasty' is a whole different question...let's see if I can be coherent at 6 am, shall we? :)

I have been developing a theory over the past few weeks which finally evolved last night into something big enough for a post (I hope). For those of you not in the Boston area, winter still has a firm grip on our weather, and it may or may not let up soon. The rest of you see this time of year as the time of hope - those days when it gets warmer are harbingers of happiness: spring is on its way! Not so much here in The Hub. Those days when it gets warmer are just a tease...cold rain instead of snow is not an omen that spring is coming, but instead they are a rouse to get your hopes up only to smash them into tiny pieces again when it snows sometime in early April. I'm starting to understand why New Englanders are somewhat surly...I mean, if I'm going to suffer through cold rain (and believe me, I'd rather it snow than have cold rain, at least snow is pretty) I want warm weather and flowers at the end of it, not more biting winds and snow.

So as you can see, this weather has affected my normally silly and humorous outlook on life. There's actually a psychological disorder for this mild form of depression: it's called Seasonal Affective Disorder (proving that psychiatrists everywhere do indeed have a sense of humor, since you can abbreviate this to SAD). I've recently been trying to think of ways to fight this moodiness (what my friend Bonnie and I like to call "the poopies" - when you're in a poopy mood for no apparently good reason)...and thus my theory began to take shape:

I think I need someone to make out with for the rest of winter.

That's right, you heard me. And here's why: research shows that sexual acitvity releases endorphins, which can create a natural euphoric effect. Yeah, sure, I could run a billion miles and get a runner's high...oh wait, except it's TOO COLD outside to do that, and besides I have arthritis and that wouldn't be good for me. Or I could lay out and get some sun - that's another way to get some natural endorphins...oh wait, except it's WINTER and the sun refuses to shine for more than 15 minutes at a time, and when it does shine it's negative one billion degrees outside. Making out is just the right thing: simple, natural, and fun.

But the best part of this theory is that there are other benefits! I'm fairly sure that one way I've been trying to get some endorphins is by stuffing my face full of every bit of food I can get my hands on, especially chocolate (which also releases endorphins, in case you don't feel like finding someone to make out with). Now, those of you who know me know that I'm already naturally a human garbage disposal: I'm hungry ALL the time, and even when I'm not I can still eat for some weird reason. I crave food even when I'm full. But my ingestion activity has at least doubled since january, and I'm fairly sure it's due to the fact that it's winter, and because I might be replacing a need to make out with food. So, if I find someone to make out with, I get the endorphins PLUS I no longer need to use food to replace the desire to make out with someone PLUS when I make out with someone my heart beats a little faster; ERGO I would be healthier.

And there's more! No, you say, Kristy, there can't be more! This is already too good to be true! But I say to you, YES! THE BENEFITS CONTINUE! Per my friend Lizzy, kissing causes your mouth to release extra saliva, which then washes bacteria off your teeth and prevents cavities. Who needs to brush after every meal when you have someone to kiss instead? I think we can all agree that kissing is much more fun than brushing your teeth. So on top of the added weight and mental health benefits, making out is good for your dental health as well!

And there you have it, folks.

As a final note, I'd like to give a big shout out to my friend Michelle, who ran around with me yesterday and provided me with sparkling conversation and wonderful company while I did my errands. You know it's a good friend who is willing to tag along just to be your company while you run errands. Much love, Michelle! =)